paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
