apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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