Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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