Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
