you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
