She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
