She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I won't apologize to a one balled man
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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