Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Randomize
