I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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