You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Two words: blizzard sex
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
