guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
