high people should be assigned attendants
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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