nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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