she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
