I just pynch a tree in the face
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The air was thick with penises
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
