Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
