I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
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