The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
