hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
