Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
