Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
