Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
