Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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