i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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