I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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