She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
