ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
