I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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