Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
