i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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