you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
