I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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