Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
