It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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