She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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