Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
