I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
