Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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