His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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