i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
