Farmville is her only friend.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
