I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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