dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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