found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Drunk is not a location!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
