so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
