nut hugger
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize