Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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