I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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