i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We are all done wearing pants today
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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