I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
